You cared about me at one point in your life.
I remember how you held me so close to your heart as I fell apart and all I could do is cling onto you hoping life would not get any worse. You didn't say much, you just held me, allowed me to cry and come apart in your arms while you did all you could to sustain me. Attempting to fill my lungs with air, and trying to make sense of why God would take him away from me and why God chose my angel among the others, you held me tight in your arms, so close I could feel your heart beat and I am sure you could feel mine too.
You cared about me at one point in your life.
It simply could not be true. “I’m sorry for your loss,” the counselor’s voice rang in my ears over and over. It just could not be; I had seen him Friday, he was breathing, laughing, smiling. I kept on trying to convince myself that the counselor must have been lying, but as information came flooding in about how he passed away, I could no longer deny the facts.
Suddenly out of breath, my heart dropped, and tears began to stream uncontrollably down my cheeks. The heavens cried with me as rain poured down violently that morning. How could he be gone a few weeks shy of his sixteenth birthday? He was so full of life, and had a heart so big to share with those around him. How could it be? Oh how I longed for someone to say that it was all a joke, despite the agonizing pain dwelling inside me. But the truth settled in my mind, and the pain tore through my heart and ripped through my soul. I took a deep breath even though it stung as if it were poison to my lungs. With trembling hands and red eyes, I gathered my notebooks and bag and walked out of the library. I looked towards the skies hoping to find comfort among the clouds, but found no consolation.
I don't remember any other time that it felt so difficult to move; with my shoulders caved in and my feet heavy, I so desperately longed for his smile. I could not bear the pain, and the tears I kept on fighting had won the war. I looked as hoards of students walked past me to get to their destination, and there you stood looking at me. I did not want you to see how I was coming apart, but it was too late -- you came running. Hands on my shoulders, you asked what was wrong; I could hardly begin to utter the words. It was as if a thousand daggers had pierced my heart.
My reality had become a living nightmare, one of which I could not wake from but was forced to confront. In your arms, I found refuge -- I found comfort in the midst of a raging storm. As every tear touched softness of your shirt, it spread creating a bigger and bigger puddle on your chest. Your arms wrapped me in the warmth and gentle scent of your cologne, consoling my abandoned heart as you whispered softly, "it's going to be okay" as Jeff had done many times before. I buried my face upon your chest as I wept hoping life would be kinder.
I could feel your heart beat; I am sure you could feel mine too.
If only we were still close as we were that morning, I would let you know that to this day, four years later, I still remember how warm your embrace and how soft your voice was as I wept and mourned my loss. If I could, I would hold you close and let you know each time I think of someone who sincerely cared, I think of you. You truly changed my life.
And I know I never said it enough, and so I write it today. I love you and I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to have you in my life. Thank you for staying up late nights to comfort me when I couldn't sleep because of the trials I would go through. Thank you for pulling me through times of sadness. Thank you for picking me up when i would fall. Thank you for being the friend I needed and should have been for you. Thank you for loving me when i couldn't be loved. Thank you.
I may not know what caused us to drift so far apart from each other, but I know that today, I hurt because I do not have you in my life. If I could go back and change the distance between us, I would. And though you may be physically roaming around here, it feels as if you left me to walk the rest of my days alone. Perhaps, I deserved it, and perhaps, I did it to myself, but not having you in my life has been very painful. You are the one that got away, or better yet, the one I pushed away.
And maybe you'll never read this, and maybe you'll never know, but if you do, forgive me.
