These Days I Don't Sleep

funny thing about depression
some days all you do is sleep
til it isn't so funny
dreams become your best friend
the bed -- your mistress
and other days your mind can't be silenced
there is no rest


these days I don't sleep


these days my mind plays your smile like an old film
your voice like a broken record
these days I remember the way you used to look at me
the days when there was hope for the wise and the naive
I remember the days when the 'I love you's' were never-ending
the embraces perfectly filled every crevice of my soul
your hands were my hands
I wore your arm around my shoulders like a scarf
your kisses like burns
your scent like precious perfume
and when you sang
oh when you sang
I knew love
I knew belonging
I was yours


these days I don't sleep


these days I spend thinking of ways to turn back the hands of time
trying to figure out if anyone has come close to building a time machine
losing my mind hoping for one more chance to make this right
losing my mind trying to figure out when loving someone meant losing yourself
when loving someone meant destroying every piece of me to keep you whole
these days I have no hope
these days I long for slumber like a kiss of true love from your desolate lips would change any of this

but I don't sleep

last night, you said you're not in love with me anymore
and I wonder if you ever were


I guess I believed in fairy tales
I guess I believed love conquered all
but all it did was take me as a concubine
stripped me of all I had
and left me forsaken
and I long for one more kiss
one more embrace
just a bit of your love

these days I don't sleep

For you, my love

My Sun
My Moon and Stars
give
heart
soul
mind
time
youth
gave
everything and everyone
away


for you.


I'm
empty.
Took it all
showered yourself
in my love
my tears
my pain
left me
an
empty vessel.
Darkness fills the void
where you once stood.
Orchestrated my downfall
took my love,
took my life.

Love doesn't conquer all;
sometimes love isn't enough
sometimes the highest tower
can make you fly
give me the skies if only for a second
give me wings to fly
take the weight of rejection
hatred
pain
and let me fly
feel the breeze against my face.

Life is too cruel;
life is a game for the strong
and I have fragile bones.

My beloved
I love you
My beloved
I'm sorry I wasn't enough
My beloved
I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough.

wolf.

before an alter you fall on your knees
and claim to dedicate your life to the service of God
yet in his name you lead another astray
deceitful in nature, in Jesus name, you claim to love

to the wolf in sheep's clothing
may you live everyday smothered by your guilt
may your lies eat away at you like a cancer
may the darkness you live in, consume you

i pray for blind eyes to see
that hearts harden as you approach
i pray that they see the disgusting animal that you are
that you be ravaged the very demons that reside in you

so tell me that i'm condemned to hell 
for wishing you ill
tell me that i am no better than you
because your sins are weighed equal to mine
so tell me that i am in sin
for hating you
tell me!

my sins are before an audience
worn on my black coat
guilt will not be held over my head
you cannot kill what is already dead.

the death of me

can you feel the rhythm of my heart beating?
oh it's so high, how i long to fly
are you listening to the gasping of my breathing?
and gravity takes hold in a blink of an eye

on the edge of breaking, but i wouldn't take any of it back
and you wouldn't even know, but i'm falling between the cracks
oh how the cold and dark embrace me
desolate; sinking in the deepest of seas

one day you'll hold another
and you'll realize i was just another lover
with your bodies intertwined, i watched my dreams die
because for you i'd always turn a blind eye

take the breath caught between my words sung
take every inch of me
watch it burn for you
watch it burn because of you

Invisible

...maybe i'm done trying
maybe i'm the only one who's left fighting
fighting be loved
fighting to be someone
in
your life.
maybe it's time
to face the
truth
that i'll never be
enough
for
you.
maybe
you find more
consolation
comfort
in your media,
friends
...in those
who
have
everything
i
don't.
maybe
it's time
i face
the fact that
i will never enter
your world.
maybe it's time
i gave up on me
just as you have.
maybe it is time.
i will never
be her.
i will never
understand
and maybe
it's because
i was
never
given
the chance.
maybe you have fallen in love
with the person you wish me to be
maybe who i am
is not who you want to love.
maybe the thought of this being true
terrifies you the most
throws you off your feet
and the fear of the unknown
has you gripped on to my heart
wishing on stars
i will become
who you need.

marionette

broken promises

empty words

beautiful and luring

yet

deceiving 

oh how you lie

you know the sweetest words

and they kill

fill my heart and body with senseless hope

uplift me to the moon

to come crashing down

death sweep over me soon

what is the point?

what is the point of having loved you?

what's the point of a beautiful lie?

i am your marionette

control my dance

i never stood a chance

i'm a fool for your love

i am a prisoner of your heart,
you stole everything i ever dreamed of

useless

useless
and worthless
that's how you make me feel
this is all too real

forlorn
empty and torn
claiming to love me, you left me
sinking at the bottom of the sea

turn blue and black
hurt me and i come running back
i should run the opposite way
but you know i will stay.


you can't fix what is broken
with these words left unspoken.